I was broke.
With nothing to lose.
And my dream, more than anything…
Was to be anyone else.
You held my hand once.
Forever through the everything.
The warm vacuum of white light.
The infinite empty content.
All the time I saw all the space I feel.
Pretending things like I can “really” read palms so I can hold pretty girls’ hands at parties, whispering my drunk obsessions of loneliness and love to them.
It never stops consuming the experience. The always now. The eternity. It’s always alive. Forever. The eternal moment of every moment of your life.
… throwing him up like an angel, high above the red earth, deep into the sparkling blank, the tender sky that never once let him down, preserving his attachment to youth, propriety and kindness, his plane almost, but never quite, outracing his whoops of joy, trailing him in his sudden turn to the wind, followed then by a near vertical climb up to the angles of the sun, and I was barely eight and still with him and yes, that was the thought that flickered madly through me, a brief instant of communion, possessing me with warmth and ageless ease, causing me to smile again and relax as if memory alone could lift the heart like the wind lifts a wing, and so I renewed my kisses with even greater enthusiasm, caressing and in turn devouring their dark lips, dark with wine and fleeting love, an ancient memory love had promised but then finally never gave, until there were too many kisses to count or remember, and the memory of love proved not love at all and needed a replacement, which our bodies found, and then the giggles subsided, and the laughter dimmed, and darkness enfolded all of us and we gave away our childhood for nothing and we died and condoms littered the floor and Christina threw up in the sink and Amber chuckled and kissed me a little more, but in a way that told me it was time to leave.
–House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
- Naturally an animal wants to clean itself after the kill.
- Translate modern society in which clean and flawless appearance are symbols of dominance.
- Infer my proclivity for trusting unkempt people is instinctual.