Mechanism of Isolation

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As a young man and also still as an adult, I seek to fight the loneliness of isolation with any means possible. This was exaggerated when I was younger and moved to New York City. It is the most accepting place in the world because you can assume anonymity and you are judged only by your ability to perform. This also made it the loneliest place in the world for me. In a city of millions, I found myself drinking and shooting up and fucking against the loneliness. Fucking to bond with another human being somehow. To be connected to something. Tripping hallucinogens to connect with the spirituality that I intuit existed but couldn’t find. Drinking and opiation to numb the  loss and isolation I constantly felt. I would try anything to make it go away.

Where does it come from? How did I come to feel this way? What is driving my behavior? I was raised by fundamentalists. When I came of age, I was not able to conform to their ideals. My perception of reality and their prescription of reality could not merge. I was unable to accept the doctrine and was cut off from the warm and loving acceptance that I felt growing up. Cast out of the garden; eaten of the Tree of Knowledge.

This is how I turned to fuck, trip, drink, disappear. And my turning to these activities for comfort or fulfillment only increased the gap of isolation and alienation from my upbringing. I was judged now not only as a heretic but also as a heathen and sinner. I was cast further out to damnation in eternal fire for my wayward life of transgressions unrepentant. But there was no malice in anything that I have done. Ever.

American society is based in large part on Protestant values as the country was founded by those first Americans, the Protestants at Plymouth Rock (itself a myth). The tradition of judgement and persecution is evident in the history of our country: the Salem Witch Trials, 1950′s McCarthyism, the Civil Rights Movement, California’s Proposition 8. The pressure to conform still today holds a heavy hand to vilify those who do not or can not conform. Social mores need to change. The future of the world will be based on change. Right now, the social world is changing more rapidly than any other time in history. We need something new. The old ways create isolation and despair; unacceptance and rejection of its citizens; not based on merit or value, but based on archaic mythology and ignorance. Christianity and the American culture it’s established are morally reprehensible. They offer no salvation for those who can see.

Amanda

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I am dreaming this morning. There is an elephant on the deck of a big old boat in a lagoon at night. On the boat with the elephant are performers in hindi costume. Surrounding the lagoon are amazing tall trees, weeping down to touch the waters. We are on a boardwalk on the shore watching the show. There is a mechanical failure in the performance and the ring leader dies instantly. He was supposed to be launched into the air and suspended on vast swath of colorful parachute nylon. The elephant is going into a rage at the death of his master. He attacks the other performers and starts smashing the props on the deck of the boat. I turn and see my grandmother on the dock. She is glowing and smiling. I haven’t seen her for three years, since her funeral. She is healthy and radiant; unlike the gaunt, thin, pale countenance of her last few years.

She says to me, “I love you. You will bring good into the world the same as me. How you told me in your letter.”

I wake up crying.

Alice Lives Here

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Don’t hold on too tightly.
Don’t make her responsible for the way you feel.
Don’t make her carry the weight of your darkness.
I want you to see a black lady therapist.
I want you to be happy.
What I want doesn’t matter anymore.

Holiday Oats

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  • 1 cup quick oats
  • 2 cups almond milk
  • 1 Bartlett pear
  • ginger
  • cinnamon

Cube pear. Add almond milk and 2 slivers of fresh ginger using a peeler into saucepan. Bring almond milk to simmer over medium-low heat. Stir in oats and cubed pear, stirring occasionally. Simmer for 2 min. Stir in cinnamon. Serve hot. Makes 2 servings.

Angelica Turn Me Off

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That mistaken night I fell asleep in your drunken arms.
Your sleepy soft embrace burned into my body’s memory.
As though my starless soul had never lived before.
That night I knew I loved you.

I scandalized your name to my friends, strangers in bars.
I wrote your name on bathroom walls and alley ways.
With black markers and neon spraypaint, I defiled.
I told anyone that would listen what a filthy slut you are.

Midnight stolen car through the storefront where you work.
I broke into matriarch’s penthouse through the skylight.
So I could sit on her plush couch in peace, looking through her glass walls.
And dream over the city of that fragmented night with you.

I climbed the city looking for your embrace or your revile.
Scoffing all the lifeless fools and empty hearts that desist me.
Shattered outside the streets and broke the windows of your family’s home.
I vandalized your name while constant whispered in my heart.

Abhorrent in your starlit eyes.
And I don’t know how to stop.

Wendell Phillip

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Pitch beneath your fist and fork
Toil of fields was my dark refuge allowed
Where I grew strong and calloused
That boy’s dumb just like his momma
I heard you say at the feedstock.

I would wait and work
Your grain in scythe and sickle
White knuckle snath and bound tongue wrath
Keep my eyes down flights inside
Until the days that you fell ill.

I found you in your room
When momma left for town
Bled you out like a river of snakes
Your throat babble a gurgled whimper
Like when Kelly caught in the combine.

Now the fear is in your water eyes
I stroke your cheek with crimson oil
My gentle way you tried to damn
I wish I never become like you
But I finally become your son.

 

Internity

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You’re not as old as the trees
Not as young as the leaves
You’re not as free as the breeze
Not as open as the seas
And your heart hasn’t found a home
Endlessly it seems to roam
But one day you will find inexhaustable ecstacy
And you will see…

That you’re beautiful and always have been
And everybody else can see
The love that you’ve been looking for
Is right there inside your door

Little Miss Divinity,
You’re the one that you’ve been looking for
Little Miss Divinity,
Won’t you lay your love on thee

And if you need a friend, I’ll be sailing right by your side
And if you need a lover, you must leave it all behind
And if you need direction, no one can be seen unkind
So listen closely my love, you have time
You’re doing fine

— Future Sound of London: The Isness – Divinity

 

Agent Cooper Helps Leeland Die

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Leeland, the time has come for you to seek the path. Your soul has set you face to face with a clear light. And you are now about to experience it in its reality. Wherein all things are like the void and cloudless sky. And the naked spotless intellect is like a transparent vacuum. Without circumference or center. Leeland, in this moment know yourself. And abide in that state. Look to the light, Leeland. Find the light. Into the light.

— Agent Cooper

Javascript Slugify

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Javascript function to “slugify” a string:

function slugify ( str ) {
  str   = str.toLowerCase();
  str   = str.replace( /\s/gi, "-" );
  str   = str.replace( /\//gi, "-" );
  str   = str.replace( /[^-a-zA-Z0-9,&/\\s]+/ig, '' );

  // Trim dash from beginning, end.
  while( str.substr( 0, 1 ) == '-' )  str   = str.substr( 1 );
  while( str.substr( -1 ) == '-' )    str   = str.substr( 0, str.length -1 );

  return str;
}